Last night, as I signed the paperwork for my brand new Prius, I finally grasped the enormity of my power to manifest whatever I want. It was an amazing moment.

And that's not all. Only a few hours before we went to the dealership, I got an idea that is the best I've ever had, and I am going to spend the rest of the year manifesting this new business. It's going to rock.

My head is spinning from the possibilities.

Emerging

I wrote to a friend the other day that I am finally coming into my own. I am breaking out of my cocoon and emerging, wings fragile but sturdy enough to support me. I am finding my voice. Standing up for myself. Manifesting. Creating an amazing life.

Sometimes it is hard for me to believe I've made it this far in such a short time. But that part of me is fading. It is being replaced by a me who knows without a doubt that I am capable of anything I imagine I can do. It is the stronger and louder voice these days. And I intend to keep it that way.

Forbidden Joys

There's a great exercise in The Artist's Way that I did last night, and it really shows me that, even though last year was all about taking care of myself and doing good things for myself, I still have a long way to go toward truly making myself happy.

Here is my list of forbidden joys. When I look at it now, it seems pretty silly that I deny myself these things, but it takes a long time to shift your brain from "You can't have things and you can't afford them" to "I can create anything I want in my life."

Forbidden Joys

• dying my hair blue
• taking two weeks off to travel California
• buying fun new clothes
• taking singing lessons
• taking Sundays off
• buying a macro lens
• taking more frequent hikes
• taking a painting class
• doing a photography tour in Napa Valley
• getting regular massages

After I wrote this list last night, I went on the warpath to make these things happen for myself. I researched blue hair dye, and to my delight, I found a vegan, vegetable-based, non-tested-on-animals option! Now I just have to get up the courage to do it.

I also found several voice teachers who are within a mile of me and a massage therapist's office within a mile of me. I figured out a way to take Sundays off (I have worked on the weekends since I can remember, but now that just has to change). Now Sundays will be my hiking day. Now that I know how much macro lenses cost, I'm going to save up (I was afraid to look before, with good reason: $450+!).

I'm going to make a trip to Goodwill and see what fun clothes I can find. We're lucky -- we have two stores close to my house. And I know the local adult arts education center offers painting classes, so I'm going to research that and see how it fits into my schedule. New classes start in April.

That takes care of the majority of my list...and I took two weeks off last year, so who says I can't do it again this year?

Prius Love

I just test-drove a Prius today. The moment I sat in it, I was in love. It's comfy, and you push a button to start it for crap's sake! How much cooler can it get?

The back-up camera is neato, the gas mileage is dreamy, and the high-tech dashboard is impressive. and I just cannot wait to get one.

We're still not sure if the old car is totaled or not, but either way, we're getting a Prius.

As a side note, I've been working on manifesting a Prius since the beginning of January. I had it written in my diary that I was going to manifest one within six months. So I guess it worked. Nutty.

Affirmations

I used to associate affirmations only with Stuart Smalley. I thought saying, "I'm good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like me" into a mirror was total nonsense that was only good for a laugh.

So, when I started The Artist's Way and I read that Julia Cameron wanted me to create affirmations, I was hesitant. I know it's really similar to manifesting and intention, words that sound a lot less foufy and more appealing to me, so I tried thinking of it in that context. It helped.

Now I write affirmations every day in my morning pages. Here's a sample:
"We have more than enough," "It is okay to disappoint people" (this one is for my recovering perfectionist), "I have everything I need right now," and "I can create anything I want in my life."

Boy, that last one is powerful. I get chills running through my body every time I even so much as think it. Meditating has been like that for me lately too...lots of yummy chills from the exciting possibilities that I conjure in my mind. How did I ever get through life without this?

I've started using this with my students too. I ask them to start thinking things like, "I'm going to ROCK on this test" rather than the negative and harmful thoughts so many of them think before going into a test. It seems to be working. I've even convinced one of my students to try meditating to gain motivation and lessen anxiety. She's the most improved student I have.

If only I had found this path earlier...but I know that I am going to create amazing things from here on out.

The Saturday That Was Friday

With my work schedule, Friday is my Saturday. It's one of those cozy, rainy days that makes me want to hole up and read.

Since I can't, I decided to sleep in and then spend time updating my photography portfolio, something I've been meaning to do for AGES. I also upgraded to a pro Flickr account. This is really only because I reached the limit for free photos (200) and I thought that it was silly not to. I mean, it's cheap! I don't know what I've been waiting for (for three years). It was fun to upgrade: I made more sets! And organized my photos! Yay! My other extremely beneficial and rewarding project was to meditate.

Now there are still many hours to go in the day. The CD project is somewhat calling my name...maybe if I put on some LOTR I can get through it. I need to get off this damn computer.

Courage

I stood up for myself today and quit a job that was making me incredibly unhappy. I cannot wait for the day when standing up for myself doesn't mean nausea before taking action and horrible guilt afterward.

Having these feelings makes standing up for myself even more of a thing to dread, even though I know it is integral to my growth and it is something I have to keep practicing. I know these feelings will die down once I build up my confidence muscles.

Thankfully my therapist is helping me realize I CAN stand up for myself and I MUST stand up for myself. For that, I am grateful.

Reading Ban, Day Four

I'm doing slightly better than I was a few days ago with this reading deprivation stuff. I have read some emails and cookbooks, but other than that, I'm reading free. What have I done?

I organized A through G in my CD collection, cooked up a delightful meal for lunch yesterday, drew a picture in my journal with oil pastels, listened to old-school Ani and the Buena Vista Social Club, took some pictures around the house while I was waiting for lunch to cook, meditated, and went to bed early (but, I have been really tired from the stress of the accident).

Oh yeah, and I watched Arrested Development last night. It was too tempting, and goddamn did I need a laugh.

Today I'm putting the finishing touches on two paintings I've done and I hope to start another. On canvas this time.

Reading Ban

Right now I'm on the fourth week of The Artist's Way, and in the fourth week, Julia Cameron asks that you institute a reading ban. This is to get blocked artists to listen to their artistic impulses rather than ignoring them, and to get them doing other activities than reading/zoning out to t.v./surfing the web. The aforementioned activities can be numbing, and Julia wants readers to instead listen to what's happening in their heads, and listen well.

When I first read about the ban during my initial skim through the book it almost prevented me from buying the book. Then when I got the book home, the idea of the reading ban nearly kept me from starting the program. I will say right now, in day two, that it is one of the most difficult things I've ever done.

I am never without at least one or two books to read, sometimes many more. I always have a magazine to read (my new Sun came on Sunday and it's KILLING me not to read it). In down time, like when something is baking, I read. When I'm bored, I read. When I want to do something fun, I read. When I want to learn something new, I read.

Putting me on this ban is like telling Stephen King not to write one word for an entire week. Or telling Tori Amos not to touch her piano for seven days.

I'm sneaking reading like I'm a heroin junkie. I totally blew it on Monday during "bathroom time." I got through six pages before I even realized what I'd done. Then I read some emails. Then I read a news story about the astronaut. I read the Ideal Bite tips that came into my Yahoo account. I can't stop. I tried turning off the computer, but here I am, back online. I just got done reading postings on the Artist's Way forum about what people learned from the reading ban! I'm a horrible student!

How the hell can I make it through five more days of this? Furthermore, what the hell am I supposed to do with my time? I have at least four hours of completely open time staring back at me right now, and all I want to do is read!

Of course, the point is to open myself up to new activities. To not fill up too many hours reading trashy novels or drowning in the murky waters of world news. But! my mind shouts, I don't read that stuff. I read books that open up my mind, get me to think about new things, inspire me.

Oh well. I know I need to do this. I know it's forcing me to take action rather than READING about the action I could take.

Julia adds one last thing to the reading ban: no t.v. While I don't have cable or even rabbit ears, I do watch movies or t.v. shows from Netflix. And tonight Lance is gone, so I don't have anyone else to entertain me. It's all up to me. Now what will I do? I sound desperate, don't I? I feel it! Last night I went to bed early because I couldn't think of anything to do, and if I couldn't read or watch a movie, I just wanted to sleep. This is bad.

So, tonight I need to find something to occupy my time. I guess I'll tackle the Great CD Switchover, which involves changing out my ridiculously large CD collection from the plastic cases into five zipper books. I feel too tired to write or take pictures or paint. Or is that just an excuse? Hmmm...

Damn this is hard.

Pikachu Amulet

This little guy has been riding around in Lance's various cars since 2000. He has become an amulet. You see, Lance has been in many accidents, both car and motorcycle. But ever since he got this dangling Pikachu, he's been accident free.

That is, until last night. Last night, Lance got in an accident. The other driver had just had his car pelted by eggs (!) and he couldn't see through his windshield, so he ran a red light and hit Lance on the passenger side of the car.

Thankfully, both Lance and the other driver were basically unharmed, which is amazing because both of their cars are in pretty bad shape. I'm a superstitious person, and I think it was Pikachu who helped keep Lance from harm.

The funny part about all this is that Pikachu has been living in my car ever since we got it in July. When we traded in Lance's old car for my new car, we took Pikachu down from the old car and put him up in the new car right away. He never made it into Lance's car. The new car is the one Lance was driving last night. So apparently Pikachu was there for a reason. I had actually thought recently of putting Pikachu in Lance's car so Pikachu could protect him, but I'm glad I didn't.

Once we find Pikachu a new string, he's going to go up in Lance's car and stay there.