Since today is my birthday (and that's only true for a few more hours) this is the last day of this blog. I don't plan to keep writing here, but I will write occasionally on my Zaadz blog, which you can access here.

It's been a great exercise to chronicle the last 30 days -- just look at everything that happened! Thank you for sharing it with me.

Happy Birthday to Me

A birthday letter to myself....

Dear Katrina,

It is truly amazing the changes you have made in the last year. I stand in awe at everything you've accomplished.

1. You lived up to your New Year's resolution to take care of yourself with incredible results: you've gotten rid of 90 percent of your anxiety, you've nearly rid yourself of pain, you've lost 20 pounds, you've gotten your energy back, you have an optimistic outlook on life, and you pamper yourself more.

2. You have drastically improved your spiritual life.

3. You created your own tutoring business.

4. You manifested and bought a house.

5. You bought your first new car (the Nissan).

6. You started saying no to the things that make you unhappy.

7. You made huge strides in therapy.

8. You started standing up for yourself.

9. You manifested and bought a Prius.

10. You have created a life for yourself that is perfectly tailored to you.

As this year progresses, I can see that you are building upon all of this with passion and determination. You're more courageous. You're clearer about what you want and you go after it. You no longer ask 10 people for advice before you make a move; you just do it if it feels right. You trust your intuition and you're working to strengthen it. It's going to be a fantastic year, and furthermore, it's going to be an unbelievable decade.

Much Love,

Katrina

What a Weekend

Here I am with the new car. This is big. For me, getting this car is on the level of being told I won the lottery. When I got behind the wheel for the first time, I could not stop smiling. I know now what it's like to one of those guys who pines after a Porsche and finally gets to buy one when he's 55. Except that I'm not having a mid-life crisis and I'm just turning 30.

I've been dreaming about this car FOREVER. And now I have one. I am usually not a materialistic person, but it feels really good to have a Prius. Perhaps because when I drive it I know I'm not polluting quite so much. It's going to be dreamy to drive it to Sequoia National Park this week.

Other highlights from the weekend:

1. Going to the L'Amyx grand opening. It was PACKED. The lion dance was fabulous and the fireworks were loud. The place is going to be a hit.
   
2. Eating at Cafe Gratitude. Yum. They had water jugs that had words like "truth" and "abundance" etched on them. I drank from the abundance jar.
   
3. Watching episodes of the BBC version of The Office.
4. Taking pictures of the magnolia trees in bloom.
5. Seeing friends old and new.
   

Last night, as I signed the paperwork for my brand new Prius, I finally grasped the enormity of my power to manifest whatever I want. It was an amazing moment.

And that's not all. Only a few hours before we went to the dealership, I got an idea that is the best I've ever had, and I am going to spend the rest of the year manifesting this new business. It's going to rock.

My head is spinning from the possibilities.

Emerging

I wrote to a friend the other day that I am finally coming into my own. I am breaking out of my cocoon and emerging, wings fragile but sturdy enough to support me. I am finding my voice. Standing up for myself. Manifesting. Creating an amazing life.

Sometimes it is hard for me to believe I've made it this far in such a short time. But that part of me is fading. It is being replaced by a me who knows without a doubt that I am capable of anything I imagine I can do. It is the stronger and louder voice these days. And I intend to keep it that way.

Forbidden Joys

There's a great exercise in The Artist's Way that I did last night, and it really shows me that, even though last year was all about taking care of myself and doing good things for myself, I still have a long way to go toward truly making myself happy.

Here is my list of forbidden joys. When I look at it now, it seems pretty silly that I deny myself these things, but it takes a long time to shift your brain from "You can't have things and you can't afford them" to "I can create anything I want in my life."

Forbidden Joys

• dying my hair blue
• taking two weeks off to travel California
• buying fun new clothes
• taking singing lessons
• taking Sundays off
• buying a macro lens
• taking more frequent hikes
• taking a painting class
• doing a photography tour in Napa Valley
• getting regular massages

After I wrote this list last night, I went on the warpath to make these things happen for myself. I researched blue hair dye, and to my delight, I found a vegan, vegetable-based, non-tested-on-animals option! Now I just have to get up the courage to do it.

I also found several voice teachers who are within a mile of me and a massage therapist's office within a mile of me. I figured out a way to take Sundays off (I have worked on the weekends since I can remember, but now that just has to change). Now Sundays will be my hiking day. Now that I know how much macro lenses cost, I'm going to save up (I was afraid to look before, with good reason: $450+!).

I'm going to make a trip to Goodwill and see what fun clothes I can find. We're lucky -- we have two stores close to my house. And I know the local adult arts education center offers painting classes, so I'm going to research that and see how it fits into my schedule. New classes start in April.

That takes care of the majority of my list...and I took two weeks off last year, so who says I can't do it again this year?

Prius Love

I just test-drove a Prius today. The moment I sat in it, I was in love. It's comfy, and you push a button to start it for crap's sake! How much cooler can it get?

The back-up camera is neato, the gas mileage is dreamy, and the high-tech dashboard is impressive. and I just cannot wait to get one.

We're still not sure if the old car is totaled or not, but either way, we're getting a Prius.

As a side note, I've been working on manifesting a Prius since the beginning of January. I had it written in my diary that I was going to manifest one within six months. So I guess it worked. Nutty.

Affirmations

I used to associate affirmations only with Stuart Smalley. I thought saying, "I'm good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like me" into a mirror was total nonsense that was only good for a laugh.

So, when I started The Artist's Way and I read that Julia Cameron wanted me to create affirmations, I was hesitant. I know it's really similar to manifesting and intention, words that sound a lot less foufy and more appealing to me, so I tried thinking of it in that context. It helped.

Now I write affirmations every day in my morning pages. Here's a sample:
"We have more than enough," "It is okay to disappoint people" (this one is for my recovering perfectionist), "I have everything I need right now," and "I can create anything I want in my life."

Boy, that last one is powerful. I get chills running through my body every time I even so much as think it. Meditating has been like that for me lately too...lots of yummy chills from the exciting possibilities that I conjure in my mind. How did I ever get through life without this?

I've started using this with my students too. I ask them to start thinking things like, "I'm going to ROCK on this test" rather than the negative and harmful thoughts so many of them think before going into a test. It seems to be working. I've even convinced one of my students to try meditating to gain motivation and lessen anxiety. She's the most improved student I have.

If only I had found this path earlier...but I know that I am going to create amazing things from here on out.

The Saturday That Was Friday

With my work schedule, Friday is my Saturday. It's one of those cozy, rainy days that makes me want to hole up and read.

Since I can't, I decided to sleep in and then spend time updating my photography portfolio, something I've been meaning to do for AGES. I also upgraded to a pro Flickr account. This is really only because I reached the limit for free photos (200) and I thought that it was silly not to. I mean, it's cheap! I don't know what I've been waiting for (for three years). It was fun to upgrade: I made more sets! And organized my photos! Yay! My other extremely beneficial and rewarding project was to meditate.

Now there are still many hours to go in the day. The CD project is somewhat calling my name...maybe if I put on some LOTR I can get through it. I need to get off this damn computer.

Courage

I stood up for myself today and quit a job that was making me incredibly unhappy. I cannot wait for the day when standing up for myself doesn't mean nausea before taking action and horrible guilt afterward.

Having these feelings makes standing up for myself even more of a thing to dread, even though I know it is integral to my growth and it is something I have to keep practicing. I know these feelings will die down once I build up my confidence muscles.

Thankfully my therapist is helping me realize I CAN stand up for myself and I MUST stand up for myself. For that, I am grateful.

Reading Ban, Day Four

I'm doing slightly better than I was a few days ago with this reading deprivation stuff. I have read some emails and cookbooks, but other than that, I'm reading free. What have I done?

I organized A through G in my CD collection, cooked up a delightful meal for lunch yesterday, drew a picture in my journal with oil pastels, listened to old-school Ani and the Buena Vista Social Club, took some pictures around the house while I was waiting for lunch to cook, meditated, and went to bed early (but, I have been really tired from the stress of the accident).

Oh yeah, and I watched Arrested Development last night. It was too tempting, and goddamn did I need a laugh.

Today I'm putting the finishing touches on two paintings I've done and I hope to start another. On canvas this time.

Reading Ban

Right now I'm on the fourth week of The Artist's Way, and in the fourth week, Julia Cameron asks that you institute a reading ban. This is to get blocked artists to listen to their artistic impulses rather than ignoring them, and to get them doing other activities than reading/zoning out to t.v./surfing the web. The aforementioned activities can be numbing, and Julia wants readers to instead listen to what's happening in their heads, and listen well.

When I first read about the ban during my initial skim through the book it almost prevented me from buying the book. Then when I got the book home, the idea of the reading ban nearly kept me from starting the program. I will say right now, in day two, that it is one of the most difficult things I've ever done.

I am never without at least one or two books to read, sometimes many more. I always have a magazine to read (my new Sun came on Sunday and it's KILLING me not to read it). In down time, like when something is baking, I read. When I'm bored, I read. When I want to do something fun, I read. When I want to learn something new, I read.

Putting me on this ban is like telling Stephen King not to write one word for an entire week. Or telling Tori Amos not to touch her piano for seven days.

I'm sneaking reading like I'm a heroin junkie. I totally blew it on Monday during "bathroom time." I got through six pages before I even realized what I'd done. Then I read some emails. Then I read a news story about the astronaut. I read the Ideal Bite tips that came into my Yahoo account. I can't stop. I tried turning off the computer, but here I am, back online. I just got done reading postings on the Artist's Way forum about what people learned from the reading ban! I'm a horrible student!

How the hell can I make it through five more days of this? Furthermore, what the hell am I supposed to do with my time? I have at least four hours of completely open time staring back at me right now, and all I want to do is read!

Of course, the point is to open myself up to new activities. To not fill up too many hours reading trashy novels or drowning in the murky waters of world news. But! my mind shouts, I don't read that stuff. I read books that open up my mind, get me to think about new things, inspire me.

Oh well. I know I need to do this. I know it's forcing me to take action rather than READING about the action I could take.

Julia adds one last thing to the reading ban: no t.v. While I don't have cable or even rabbit ears, I do watch movies or t.v. shows from Netflix. And tonight Lance is gone, so I don't have anyone else to entertain me. It's all up to me. Now what will I do? I sound desperate, don't I? I feel it! Last night I went to bed early because I couldn't think of anything to do, and if I couldn't read or watch a movie, I just wanted to sleep. This is bad.

So, tonight I need to find something to occupy my time. I guess I'll tackle the Great CD Switchover, which involves changing out my ridiculously large CD collection from the plastic cases into five zipper books. I feel too tired to write or take pictures or paint. Or is that just an excuse? Hmmm...

Damn this is hard.

Pikachu Amulet

This little guy has been riding around in Lance's various cars since 2000. He has become an amulet. You see, Lance has been in many accidents, both car and motorcycle. But ever since he got this dangling Pikachu, he's been accident free.

That is, until last night. Last night, Lance got in an accident. The other driver had just had his car pelted by eggs (!) and he couldn't see through his windshield, so he ran a red light and hit Lance on the passenger side of the car.

Thankfully, both Lance and the other driver were basically unharmed, which is amazing because both of their cars are in pretty bad shape. I'm a superstitious person, and I think it was Pikachu who helped keep Lance from harm.

The funny part about all this is that Pikachu has been living in my car ever since we got it in July. When we traded in Lance's old car for my new car, we took Pikachu down from the old car and put him up in the new car right away. He never made it into Lance's car. The new car is the one Lance was driving last night. So apparently Pikachu was there for a reason. I had actually thought recently of putting Pikachu in Lance's car so Pikachu could protect him, but I'm glad I didn't.

Once we find Pikachu a new string, he's going to go up in Lance's car and stay there.

Creating Wonderful Experiences

In order to get myself out of the house more with my camera, I've started a photography group.

I gathered together women I know who are interested in photography and we had our first meeting yesterday. It is a great group, a mix of younger and older women and a variety of abilities and interests. We planned four outings for the year to a nice range of places: San Francisco, Muir Woods, Point Reyes, and Napa Valley. We all celebrated how lucky we are to live in a state (and a region) that offers so many amazing photo opportunities.

After the women left, I felt full. And I stood back in amazement that I had created this wonderful experience. The best is yet to come! I can't wait for our first outing in a month.

There were so many times in my life when I thought I should wait for a friend to call or wait for an opportunity to come to me. But something has shifted in me this year, and I know I can't sit on my hands and wait for things to appear at my door. I have to make them happen. Yesterday was a perfect example, and Art Day is another. I have no idea what it was in my brain that blocked me from creating these kinds of things for myself, but I am grateful that block is gone now.

Healing Needles

Today is a good day because I get to go see my acupuncturist.

If you would have told me a few years ago that I would pay good money to have needles inserted into my skin in order to feel better, I would have laughed myself silly. I hate needles, especially getting shots, and I nearly have a panic attack whenever I get blood drawn (something I've avoided for probably four years).

But, sometimes it takes desperate measures to overcome fears. Last spring I was having wrist problems, so I went to a physical therapist. I can only describe that as torture. In addition, I was dealing with some delicate female issues that my family doctor wanted to cure by giving me pill after pill. None of those pills were working, and in fact, they made my condition worse. After I decided I didn't need to go through any of that anymore, I happened to talk to a friend who was getting acupuncture. She loved her doctor and recommended I go see him. I instantly got a feeling of connection to this doctor, so I made an appointment. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

The first day I went to Dr. John, I walked in with a sheet I had meticulously filled out describing my maladies. There was a picture of a woman on the page and I was supposed to put an "x" wherever I felt pain. There was at least one "x" on every part of that woman's body, if not two or three. I was in need of serious help.

When the doctor saw the sheet, he laughed in suprise. He said, gently, that he was only looking for the most serious thing, but I told him it was all serious. He didn't shrug me off. He listened. Not like my old doctor, who rushed in and rushed out, barely asking me any questions.

I had acupuncture that day, and to be honest, it was pretty awful. I could barely sit up afterward and I had to have a few minutes to make the room stop spinning. But I also knew, in my heart, that it was working. My doctor loaded me up with Chinese herbs (he's also a licensed Chinese herbalist) and probiotics, and sent me on my way.

At first I went to him every two weeks. Now I'm happy to say I've graduated to once a month. My condition is improving rapidly, something he tells me each time I'm there. What he said in the beginning was true: he predicted I'd feel 80 percent better in three months, and 100 percent better in a year or a year-and-a-half. Right now I'm approaching the six month mark and I feel great. There are some residual things that he is clearing up, but I feel like I have my health and my body back. I'm looking forward to August, when I hope to be completely up to speed.

Now I'm a total believer in Chinese medicine. I don't think you'll be able to get me to a Western doctor unless it's for an emergency that requires a hospital or for surgery. Otherwise, I plan on considering Dr. John as my family doctor.

Feelin' Lucky

I'm feeling lucky today because:

• I live within two miles of a year-round farmer's market that ROCKS.
• I had a fabulous lunch with veggies from said farmer's market (broccoli with lemon sesame dressing, kale and onions, polenta, and white-bean salad).
• I have a husband who is willing to do the dishes (I hate dishes).
• I live in a state with great weather.
• I'm going to have some hand-made bookcases a la Lance in the near future.
• I have time almost every day to meditate.
• I have a group of really great students.
  

Head In the Clouds

I'm a bit confused because of all the things I want to do. I've got painting and photography and teaching and metaphysics and writing all floating around in my head vying for my attention. I'm dreaming of the future, not sure what to do first, what to focus on, and then again, I'm not sure if it's even necessary to achieve focus right now.

Not only that, but I have two great ideas about new business ventures in my head, two roads I could follow. These ideas are the kind that give me chills when I think about them. Both mean an expansion, a further exploration, one into art, one into teaching. I wonder if the two roads will ever converge. I wonder if there's one I want more than the other. I wonder if I even have to choose. Maybe I can do both.

Although I love my tutoring business, I wonder if that career will contain me or if I will break out of its box. I have a feeling the box is already becoming too cramped for me. I constantly seek growth.

Growth is essential. I loathe stagnation. I am not content to remain where I am because I know there is always something new I can try. But this creates a paradox in my mind, because I also value being present, loving everything that's in my life right now. There's a delicate balance to strike between being grateful for what is and striving for more. I do know, however, that being grateful for the wonderful things in my life brings more wonderful things. So maybe it's not really a paradox.

Girlfriends

I used to think that I would always have more male friends than female friends. In high school, one of my best friends was male. Same with in college. I could always confide in them, and there was never any worry about competitiveness or backstabbing, something I had issues with all through school. I never even had a fight with any of my male friends. Sure, I've had some great female friends over the years, but it was never quite the same.

I especially thought I would never have a large group of women friends that I could rely on. I would read books like The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and wonder why I'd never become part of such a group. So many of my female friends were from different areas of my life and they were never together all at once. I fantasized about have a connected tribe that I could fall back on.

Then I started blogging and I met some really wonderful women. Once I met them in person, I was officially converted to the world of female friends. And now I spend a lot of time with women and I love it.

On Friday, I saw Susan, whom I've known for nine years. She is one of the women I absolutely laugh my ass off with. She appreciates my love for Will Ferrell movies and the nostalgia I have for old 80s cartoons. We had so much fun I stayed out until 2 a.m., something I haven't done in a long time.

Then yesterday I played in Berkeley with Ann and Kelly. Over breakfast and a trip to the East Bay Depot, we bonded. I love bringing friends together. What could be better than friends that get along with other friends? It's like exponential goodness.

After my whirlwind weekend of girlfriend time, I realized that there is no reason at all that I should ever be afraid of girlfriends again. Maybe it just took meeting the right women to make me realize that these kinds of friendships are something special.

My Obsessions

I always find it fun to look back at old journals and see what I was interested in, what I was reading, what movies I saw. All of these things blend together to create the tapestry of my life and my creativity.

Books I'm Reading
Artic Dreams, Barry Lopez
A Bell Ringing in the Empty Sky, Sy Syfransky, ed.
The Deeper Wound, Deepak Chopra
Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire, Chopra
Four in the Morning, Sy Syfransky
Creative Nature and Outdoor Photography, Brenda Tharp
The Universe in a Single Atom, the Dalai Lama
The Artist's Way, Julia Cameron
The Law of Attraction, Jerry and Esther Hicks

I love reading many books at once, because if I get bored with one, I can pick up another. It works really well with non-fiction, but not as well with fiction. Lately I haven't been interested in much fiction though.

Magazines I Subscribe To
Sunset
The Sun
Bitch
BUST
What is Enlightenment?
National Geographic

Movies I've Seen Lately
Pan's Labrynth
The Holiday
The Celestine Prophecy
The Up Series -- thanks for the recommendation, Swirly!
Nacho Libre
Edward Scissorhands
Strangers With Candy
Don Juan DeMarco

Music On Constant Rotation
Extraordinary Machine, Fiona Apple
Picaresque, The Decemberists
Happiness, The Weepies
The Best of the Gipsy Kings, The Gipsy Kings
Reprieve, Ani Difranco
Lost in Translation soundtrack
Rushmore soundtrack
Staring at the Sea, The Cure

CDs I Just Bought Today On An Artist Date
The Information, Beck
Buena Vista Social Club, self-titled
Wincing the Night Away, The Shins

Health and Beauty
100% Pure -- especially the chocolate mocha body scrub
Aubrey Organics
Blooming Lotus -- the Fairy Dew Luminous Lotion
Burt's Bees
Product Body Whipped Shea Butter -- sweet vanilla mango rocks my world. The rest of her products have more of a chemistry set than I like, but this is all pure, baby.

I go for no parabens, no sulfates, organic, not tested on animals, etc. Give me something with no chemicals and I'm a happy gal. Blooming Lotus rocks my world because the owner (a really nice woman, btw) puts gem essences in her products. How cool is that?

Tea
lavender
berry rooibos
lemongrass
lemon chiffon rooibos from Tea Embassy
peppermint
ginger

Currently I'm making the switch from bags to loose, and I don't think I'll ever go back. A friend turned me on to Adagio last summer and I have a bunch of their rooibos tea. I prefer L'Amyx's tea, however, and I plan on stocking up on their stuff once what I have is gone (probably in a couple of years!). They have a caffeine-free chai that is to die for.

Art Time

I just started doing The Artist's Way with my husband Lance and my friend Ann. I resisted doing this book for a long time. When I had my old blog, it seemed like everyone in the blogosphere was doing it, and sometimes I get a little rebellious streak in me that screams, "I don't want to do that because everyone is doing it." Yeah, well, lesson learned.

I picked it up at a used book store thinking it would enhance my photography and teaching. I was cocky about it, thinking I already knew a lot of what it was going to say and what it could do for me. I was in for quite a ride that first night I sat down to read it.

What struck the deepest chord was the idea of "shadow artists." Basically, shadow artists are people who have tons of artist friends so they can live vicariously through them. But shadow artists never do their own art. At first I thought, "Well, I do art through photography, so this isn't talking about me." Then I read the section a second time and my emotions went wonky.

I looked at my life and a bizarre trend arose. My husband is an artist. All of my friends are artists, either professionally or as a hobby, with two exceptions. My mother-in-law is an artist. My grandma and my aunt are artists -- my aunt runs a craft business with my grandma and she published a book about painting. My brother is an artist. And even more specifically, the type of art most of these people do is painting.

Holy. crap.

Suddenly, I heard a voice shouting inside of me: "I WANT TO PAINT!"

It took me by complete surprise. I started to cry. The world flipped upside down. I was completely discombobulated for a few days. Damn that Julia Cameron! How did she know?

When I calmed down a bit, I realized I've tried to let this feeling come out a few times before, but Fear always got in the way and told me what I'd done was "nothing." I have a pair of wine glasses I painted that I'm really happy with. Three years ago Lance gave me oil painting lessons. He had me check out this book from the library and I practiced drawing. One year we made our own Christmas cards. And this summer, Lance showed me how to paint with watercolors.

But I didn't count any of this as real art, even though it was. I couldn't allow the artist in me to come out. But I'm done with all of that bullshit. For good.

Yesterday Ann came over for art time. We played around and I had the best time feeling the paintbrush in my hands and letting the work flow out of me. It is so freeing and messy and glorious. How could I ever have denied myself this?

Here's what emerged from yesterday's art time. I can't believe how happy I am with it. I seem to be able to silence the critic in me now and I can appreciate the beauty in what I've created.

I am incredibly happy to be able to chronicle this in this blog, because I have a feeling this is the beginning of something big. I'm not going to put a label on it or even try to shape it into anything this time. I'm just going to let the art happen. But it is going to be so great to have a record of the precise time when it started, because I'm sure, when I'm on my 500th painting, I'll look back and say, "I wonder when all this started." And now I'll know.

As a final note, I want to send out a sincere THANK YOU to all the artists in my life who have brought me to this point, especially Penelope, Christine, Christine, Shelley, Kate, Lance, Susan, Ann, Kelly, Grandma, Eileen, and Brett. You have done more for me than you will ever know and I am utterly grateful.

Over the River and Through the Woods

Last year, during a jaunt to Half Moon Bay, Lance and I made a decision to travel more. We are going to plan at least one weekend away every month this year.

We did this not only so we can see more of California (and there is so much to see) but also so we can inject a more romance into our lives.

So far we have two trips planned: one to LA in two-and-a-half weeks and another to Sequoia National Park for my birthday in four weeks. We didn't make it out anywhere this month, so we are doing two February trips.

Last night I found myself at a bookstore, so I bought a map of California. We plan on getting those fun map pins and marking every place we go. When I got home I hung it up in the office and, because I'm impatient, I've already marked some of the places we've been with little post-it triangles: Big Sur, Davenport, Monterey, Carmel, Ano Nuevo, San Simeon, San Luis Obispo, Yosemite, Lake Tahoe, Santa Cruz....I'm looking forward to seeing the pins on the map multiply each year.

Our really ambitious goal is to go camping at least two weekends every month once the weather warms up. We can even camp in our backyard at places like Tilden and Mount Diablo, so it shouldn't be too hard. I'm looking forward to the challenge.

Intuition

I believe there is a direct link between the mind and the body. I also believe the theory that time is an illusion and therefore we can know the future because in reality everything is happening at once. I bring this up because of an incident that happened yesterday.

Now, I don't think I'm psychic, but I do think I have strong intuition. I have noticed that my body seems to know when something is going to go wrong. It can be big things or little things; it doesn't matter. That brings me to what happened yesterday.

I was antsy all morning and the feeling eventually morphed into full-on anxiety. I was jumpy, on edge, and stressed out, and I had absolutely nothing to worry about. There was no big issue I was dealing with, no stress coming from anywhere in my life. So, I tried to ignore it. It turns out this is not the best approach, because the anxiety's intensity increases every time I push it down.

When I left for work, I was snippy and rushed, and I started to get heart palpitations. Ridiculous! I couldn't figure out what I was so worried about. As I sat at the gas station filling up, I happened to check my cell phone. There was a message. A student's parent had left a message saying his son wouldn't be able to meet today. It was my first student, so I drove back home.

As soon as I walked in the door, I realized my anxiety was completely gone. It was as though my body had been sending me signals all day about this student and I wouldn't listen. As I drew nearer to the time of his lesson, the anxiety increased because my body really wanted me to know about it and I'd been ignoring it all day. It was trying to save me from making an unnecessary trip.

I've also had these reactions while driving up to a student's house, and it always means I'm going to encounter some kind of difficult situation. My heart rate increases and my palms get sweaty. It's not that I'm nervous...it's always with students I'm comfortable and familiar with, so I know something different is happening.

I've now decided to listen to the anxiety, and take whatever steps I can. Maybe it means calling ahead to appointments, or giving myself a little pep talk that I can handle whatever is coming my way. The wise words of my therapist are coming to mind too: I can thank my body for the information and then calm myself down. That would be so much better than hours of jimmy legs and stomach pains!

I think these messages have recently become so prominent because I got rid of the high level of anxiety I previously experienced. Now that my body isn't in constant fight-or-flight mode these messages from my body stand out in contrast to feeling relaxed. It's a strange thing to recognize because it is so mysterious. But it's also pretty cool.

Gratitude

The last ten months have been ones of enormous growth and change for me. It all began with a chance viewing of What the Bleep. After seeing that movie, nothing seemed the same. I began exploring various topics, including metaphysics, quantum physics, and a whole host of what my good friend would call "California" things like tarot, spirit guides, intuitive readings, and auras.

During a recent two-week vacation, I spent the majority of my time reading books by Deepak Chopra, James Redfield, and the Dalai Lama. I watched The Secret many times. And one of the ideas that has stood out in sharp relief is practicing gratitude.

One of my favorite sayings, one which I heard from Dr. John F. Demartini in The Secret , is this:

"Whatever you think about, and thank about, you bring about."

I have discovered that gratitude does a couple of things. First, it helps me appreciate all the amazing things happening in my life right now, which in turn helps me be more present. I first began this exercise after reading Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now, and I made it an even bigger priority after watching The Secret. When I sit down and list the things I'm grateful for, I realize that I have no reason for complaint. I stop striving for some future point "when everything will be perfect," and I embrace what is in front of me at that precise moment.

Second, it brings more of those amazing things into my life. That's the beauty of it. If the universe knows I appreciate those things, it will bring me more of them.

This brings me to the intent of this post: to list what I am grateful for.

1. Amazing, supportive, friends and family.
2. A husband who stands behind me and encourages me to grow.
3. A therapist who showed me the blueprints of this life I'm building.
4. A snuggly, furry, fat kitty cat.
5. Warm mugs of peppermint tea.
6. Owning my first home and being able to paint the inside any color I want!
7. Meeting new friends by serendipity.
8. A new car that gets me where I need to go without guzzling too much gas.
9. Living in one of the most amazing parts of the world.
10. Being able to drive to the redwoods any time I want.
11. Being near the ocean.
12. Having my own business.
13. A full roster of hard-working students.
14. The Artist's Way
15. Deepak Chopra, Paulo Coelho, Dan Millman, Anne Lamott, Cheri Huber, GahlSasson
16. Ask and It Is Given and Esther and Jerry Hicks
17. Succulents and this nursery
18. The Weepies, AniDifranco, Tori Amos, The Decembrists, The Gipsy Kings, Fiona Apple, Imogen Heap, Neko Case...the list of musicians I am grateful for is enormously long.
19. The Secret
20. What the Bleep
21. Having friends who live nearby.
22. Sunset, The Sun, Bitch, BUST, What is Enlightenment?, and National Geographic
23. the Canon Rebel
24. L'Amyx
25. my computer
26. blooming magnolia trees
27. long hikes with friends
28. my new watercolor set
29. classical music
30. acupuncture

What This Is All About

On February 21, 2007, I turn 30. For a long time I was apprehensive about this, but as the final days of my 20s play out, I realize that my 30s are going to be quite an amazing time. I'm discovering my inner power. I'm finding new confidence I never knew existed. I am able to trust my gut more. And I'm ready to make my life exactly what I want it to be.

This blog will chronicle the 30 days before I turn 30. The first official entry will occur on January 22, 2007. I plan to write about what I'm feeling, what I'm doing, and what I'm imagining for the future. It will serve as a time-capsule-esque glimpse of the final days of my 20s. Feel free to come along for the ride.